Unexpected Journey (her side)

i am laying on the couch texting him...oh wow...i haven't talked to him in years...God it is so good to hear from him. He was the coolest guy ever. He was so sweet and genuine...oh crap...he said he is coming now...shit...look at my apartment. I jump up and start throwing clothes in the closet, stacking books on the book case, running dishwater...phone rings..."i am at the gene synder" oh wow i have 13 minutes according to him...gotta get the trash out, where is my gum, let me vacuum real quick, check my makeup, put on perfume...phone rings again...getting directions for the last stretch...is pulling into the parking lot...why won't my heart be still...it's just him. we were cool back in the day. no biggie. he pulls up...what do i do with my hands. he is out of the car...deep breath girl...damn...he is bald now...oh girl you like a bald man...now that is not what you are supposed to be thinking...he is a friend. chile look at his shoulders...whew he has filled out...stop! he does not want you...you got two kids and long past...he is not studdin you...you are a friend...but his smile is so pretty...give him a hug and say hi goofy...I give him a hug in the parking lot...he wraps his arms around me and i feel like i am home...oh this isn't a good sign...invite him in the house...we get up the steps and talk and talk...everything he is saying is so right...is he reading from my script...does he really know me this well after all these years. and damn he is funny...another low blow...bald, smells good, nice smell...what is going on here...well, gotta get the kids...without any hesitation i invite him along. I don't let me kids around anyone...but he is a good guy...the need good role models...its all good...we are back home...he is playing with the boys. oh wow he is good with them. the boys like him...they don't warm up to strangers this easy. he is at ease with them...it isn't a front...to calm my heart i ask "are you trying to be good with my kids to get at me" he looked at me straight crazy..."i love kids" i am melting even more...we talk and talk and talk everything fits...my two biggest insecurities and he isn't fazed...he is feeling everything i am saying...i can see it in his eyes...i am feeling him...too much...let's not get ahead of yourself...he is beautiful...he has filled out since college. he has grown up alot...he is so smart and funny and he is deep but on the same level as me deep. i get him...he gets me...but can he kiss? lord knows i can't fool with a man that can't kiss...where is my phone? i send him a text...his smiles and texts back...i am being so shy! why am i shy? i am not a shy girl...we flirt...he gets up...i get up...he is running from me...we are giggling...let's just do it...i kiss him...oh wow...oh wow..i can't stop...but i gotta stop...the blood is draining from my head...i am lightheaded...i hold on for a few seconds longer...we sit down and we talk and talk and talk... i haven't gotten this good of conversation in so long...this is stupid...i can't be falling for him this quick...i mean whoa...he is leaving...but i don't want him to leave...but he has to leave...can't stay...i won't behave...he kisses me again...i hold on tight...i wonder if he notices how much i am enjoying this...oh wow...what have i started?

Contemplative Mood

Sitting back observing and watching the crowd. I see so many of the women that have played such a crucial role in my upbringing...women that truly had a hand in making me the woman that i am...at least the good parts.
My (god-given)mother. The woman who stepped in at the age of 12 and decided that i needed more than what my family had to offer. She never asked questions. She never made judgements. She just taught so many lessons that no one else thought was important for me to learn. Some silly things like never sweep a person feet or when you hang the toilet paper and paper towels to hang it so that sheet falls in front of the roll...but she taught me and continues to teach me much more valuable things. How to be a strong woman. To forgive with grace whether you forget or not. She walks with her back straight and her head high. Whether she knows it or not she has shown me to be proud of who i am. I watched her walk down the aisle of our church. I saw the weight of what she was doing on her shoulders but she did not slouch. She did not cower from it as she read the acknowledgements at her lifelong friends funeral. She was a woman that helped raise her. A second mother of sorts i am sure. But she didn't waver. She is the epitome of all that i want to be. God-loving and God-fearing...agile in mind and body...she has a conviction of character that i feel that i will never have. How did she become the woman that she is? Why can't i have the conversation with her? How do i become the mother that she is and have always been? How do i learn to appreciate her more...to start and create the conversations that would make the harder life lessons easier to accomplish.
I am at such a pivotal point in my life right now. I have my beautiful children that need to be taught to live life for God and to be sweet, strong and responsible men. I have the love of a man that is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. I have to be able to grow with him and inspire him...stand by his side as we create a household that serves the Lord but isn't stuffy christians...that has fun and spends time together...that laughs often and isn't afraid to show affection in lots of different ways...

I am just really struggling with myself right now. I have so much growing to do and i am just ready for the next chapter of my life to begin. The chapter where i am a wonderful, beautiful woman and gets her happily ever after with her prince charming...

Regrets

Full of regrets cause i didn't show my love
How many will i have to lose before i learn my lesson--
That they tears that fall at the sunset are to late to be seen
when the whole day was given to me.
Underappreciated... the ones i have lost--taken away another one I just couldn't show
How much i loved them, needed them and had so much to learn...the wisdom and knowledge i let go to waste...what is the issue that keeps me hiding from their face.
Why is it so hard to show what without a doubt i know
I stay in my bubble and my own little world---allowing folks on the peripheral but not inside to close
Things of the past haunt through the night--i guess i am scared for people to see the truth that is really me.
Beauty on the outside but must be so ugly within--how else can you explain how family treated so indifferently.
A mother's love never given
A father who showed he didn't care
Uncles who took the wrong kind of interest
Aunts who were so consumed that their tormenting was the worst to endure
Now God has given me a new family a better family one that appears to want to be there...
but the damage is so great that it is easier to deal alone than the burdens to share.
Little boys looking at me to learn love-center of my world but don't they need more
How do i open and let go of the past to be the mother, daugther, lover, sister and friend?
I am welcoming love on some many levels...this change has to be made so that when the next sunset comes if its closer to home...i won't have the regret that they doubted my love.

confusion

So i thought that everything was going well...actually i thought everything was going perfect. he was really worried that the distance would be hard for me to handle. i mean don't get me wrong...it isn't easy...but it isn't like we are super far away from one another...
but today...today he goes from loving me to hating me...from believing in me to doubting me...
i feel i can't be right...i am spilling my heart to him and he is looking at it and shuddering...
i am going to be patient. we are so alike that it isn't funny...i have played this game before...push someone away and see if they will stay...
well you know what...I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE!!! I told him i was all in...and damn it that is what i meant...he can doubt and he can question but i refuse to go anywhere...i won't let him find excuses to run from something real. he thinks he knows the extent of my stubborness...but he hasnt seen anything yet...i know my heart and i know what is true...and when i look in his eyes i see forever...
That isnt meaning to sound psycho because i am not in the habit of keeping anyone that doesn't want to be kept...but that doesn't apply to him. he wants me...he wants what i am offering and who and what i represent. but he is afraid. hell i am afraid too
vulnerable isn't comfortable for anyone...but it is necessary for the relationship to grow...
sigh...i am tired...it's been a long day and i just want the reassurance that he can be ok with my past...hell it's not like i was a stripper or a prostitute...i have never killed anyone..i am a simple girl with pretty exceptional views on love and relationships...i want to be his everything and i know he can be the same to me...

sigh...i guess we will see.

thinking

too much time on your hands...
too many thoughts in your head...
you are worrying about things that have no concern
no relevance to what is here and now you must discern...
i have decided to make you my love and my life...
chosen to make you a role model for my self
Invited you into my house and my home and even more than that the hearts of my boys
you are getting caught up on what has long past
6 months or 2 weeks if it wasn't right then it wasn't mean to last
i am being as upfront as you would like but than you grow silent and act like i lied...
look at yourself and think of your past...the things that were and things that you ask...on your fridge her face still smiles...yet you get offended that i have old flames...
if you have your doubts than i can respect that...but be true to yourself and be honest with me...don't look for things or faults because you will surely find them.
If you don't want me than just be man enough to say it...don't find excuses and flaws when i am offering all that i can.

In Response

To whom it may concern:

So your last letter has me confused. You seem so angry...so hard on yourself. I took things to heart but like the song says..."i'm so vain"...that i really think that blog is about me. In case that it is i want to address a few things... I am not tired of a thing. The bullshit you refer to is something i think is sweet. your stupid ass codes don't make my head hurt...they make me smile that someone would take that much time to creatively say that i am the one that he chooses to love. I feel that this isn't my most innovative endeavor but the most important thing is to make sure you see that i love you and pray that and want nothing more than for you to choose me and love me and tell the world that i am who you will spend eternity. i love all that you are, have been and desire to be. I have accepted this role you are destined to play and felt that i have shown that i want you to stay.

And you talking of sex...well baby listen close...that makes me excited not disgusted in any way. I won't comment on any of the rest at this moment in time...because the ol folks say don't put your business in the streets...cuz if you brag on it too much...others will be dying to taste your treats. I am selfish and with you that goes double...from this day on i am the only one who should know how you play the "fiddle" but i will say this before i let it go...this fiddle hasn't ever been played like that before.

i can't say i will never try and make you mad...but there will never be any confusion on the feelings i have...i see the good guy...and this real good dude...you know what jag...i love you

borrowed for him

Ok...so for the few of you poor people that are falling my blog I promise
I won't stay on the love kick...I have a few ideas for some other entires...BUT
today love is what is inspiring me so here ya go...its nto mine...I can't take the credit
but for you who it applies to I may sing it to you when I get a chance...

Darling I want you to listen
I stayed up all night just to get this thing right
And I don't think that anything's missing
Cuz a person like you makes it easy to do
I've waited for so long
To sing to you this song

Cause your eyes are the window to heaven
Your smile could heal a million souls
Your love completes my existence
You're the other half that makes me whole
You're the only other half that makes me whole

I think the angels are your brothers
They told you about me said you're just what she needs
And I find myself thanking your mother
For giving birth to a saint
My spirit flies when I say your name
If there's one thing that's true
Its that I was born to love you

You make my dreams
Come true over and over again
And I honestly truly believe
You and me are written in the stars
I'll live my whole life through just giving thanks to you.

Chorus...

attempt at creative

My first attempt at being truly creative...would love critique!! Enjoy!!

Inspired to write but am bad with the codes
Need to express but it obviously shows
My heart is so swollen with feelings, emotions
Dare I say love

Heart on my sleeve-hell no I am more in control
With my heart in my outstretched hands-I am offering all that I am
Have and inspired to be
If its accepted I want nothing more than to let go

The future I see football games, a home, love with a flair
He will be my Heathcliff and I his Clair
To be strength, a rock, his beacon of light
To guide, to shelter when it storms or in the night
Nothing one-sided, a true partnership
Holding hands on this journey and quest we call life

Since that day the world has been brighter, clearer
Gazing out through new eyes I no longer feel jaded
The meaning of life is no longer evading
Hopeful, excited--ready to begin
This relationship-togetherness...its so many things
He looks in my eyes he's reading my soul
Intuitive, imaginative, compassionate and more
It would take days to explain the perfection he is

Awaiting the day when confirmations complete
Need nothing from him than to know I'm his mate
Life mission to please, encourage, desire
Be whatever he needs and accept what he offers

Clearing the fog of fairy tale love
I have found my angel-no longer to dream
Reality is sweeter when he spends it with me
As hard as it is and as hard as it will be
The prize in the end will be all he could need
The challenge is clear but the reward will be true
He's read my mind's heart so we'll see what he'll do....